Plan B is the new Plan A
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
