I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
