My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
