What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
