Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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