Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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