Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
