Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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