she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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