There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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