I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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