stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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