Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
