That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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