In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
