the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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