yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
