my mouth tastes like poor choices
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.