my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
