I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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