How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
