I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Girls should come with a carfax report
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
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so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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