Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
