did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
