god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
