Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
