i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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