literally had 100 drinks last night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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