I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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