mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
