She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
