my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
