I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Reggie can tackle my bush.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
