So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
