She is in my trunk
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
