What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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