just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
