so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
