dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
