Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
