No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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