Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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