Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
