she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.