dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.