I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been