It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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