my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
