i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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