you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
