I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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