look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
