i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
