apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
