I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
