just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
