I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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