I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
