i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
