A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
