I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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