I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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